Anthony David Vernon
Anthony David Vernon
Anthony David Vernon is an adjunct professor of philosophy and has been nominated twice for the Pushcart Prize.
Ever Different, Ever the Same
ACT I: Lecture Upon Life
SCENE-Albert and Camus enter a hallway, exiting their class and classroom post-lecture. They pause in place to speak to one another as their classmates come to exit the hallway.
Albert: This eternal recurrence is nonsense.
Camus: Do we need to go over it again?
Albert: Of course not; it is just that the Hindus already had and have a better framework for what Nietzsche may have been trying to do with the eternal return of the difference.
Camus: Possibly, but let’s concern ourselves with those things we’d want to do again and again. Are you going to Simone’s party tonight?
Albert: I am behind on the Henry readings for French Phenomenology.
Camus: That man claims biologists don’t study life; he is a joke that can be dismissed. Let us be phenomenological ourselves and be biologists studying life firsthand by being the life of the party.
Albert: Ah, yes, philosophy grad students, the life of any party.
Camus: Be that as it may, what excuse other than reading do you have for not going?
Albert: None.
Camus: Great, you have the invite.
Albert: Of course I do; I extended you the invite. You’re my plus one.
Camus: Great, glad you’re going because I would not have gotten in without you. Albert: Simone would have let you in.
Camus: Yes, but Simone would really like you in.
Albert: What?
Camus: Nothing, I’ll meet you at the ART at 6.
Albert: Party doesn’t even start till 9.
Camus: Pregaming at Marcus’.
Albert: Was Marcus invited?
Camus: How am I supposed to know? I wasn’t even invited. But he invited me over for board games and beer at 6:30, so now you’re my plus one.
Albert: Now I have to come up with a second party favor
Camus [Camus walks away from Albert.]: Not my problem, I am coming empty-handed twice over.
SCENE: Marcus' dining room, on the table, is an elaborate board game and partially drunk and empty beer bottles.
Marcus: You’re in the attack phase.
Albert: I don’t know what to do.
Marcus: Fight back.
Albert: I really don’t know how.
Camus: Marcus, did you get invited to Simone’s party?
Marcus: Yeah, she invited the entire cohort.
Camus: Well, now I am mildly offended.
Albert: Are you going, you could hop with us on the art.
Marcus: Not my scene, this is my scene.
Camus: Well, I am glad you appreciate our company, but we will be going.
Marcus: You’re going to a party you weren’t invited to. Stay here, man, in the company of someone who actually invited you. Albert can go on his own.
Camus: I am not sure how well Albert will do on his own.
Albert: I think I would be fine.
Marcus: What do you say? Albert takes the ART, and we hang out here.
Camus: Well, if I stay here longer than you wanted to and you go, Albert, I will swing over later.
Albert: Yeah, I am a timely person. I was hoping to be there right at 9.
Camus: See, he is hopelessly lost. Showing up for a party right on time.
Marcus: Isn’t it good to show up for a party on time?
Camus: No, the cool thing to do is to show an hour after the start time.
Marcus: Why?
Camus: Showing up too early shows desperation, and the ladies won’t be on time anyways because they always take longer than expected to get ready.
Albert: I don’t care about any of that. I just want to chat with Simone as much as I can.
Camus: Well, you enjoy your thing with her. You might want to go now if you want to catch the ART to get there at 9.
Albert [checks his phone.]: Yeah, you’re right, see around, Marcus. Thanks for having me over, and see you later, Camus, Albert.
ACT II: The Femme Fatale
SCENE: Simone’s living room. Albert enters, seeing Simone, Ernest, and a few partygoers. Everyone is in casual clothing except for Ernest, who is in a suit.
Simone: Right on time.
Albert: But I am a minute late.
Simone: Fashionably late then [Simone grabs Ernest] Albert, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Ernest.
[Albert and Ernest shake hands.]
Ernest: I’ve heard about you, only terrible things really, you’re studying philosophy also. Albert: Yeah, me and Simone have a few classes together. What are you studying? Ernest: I’m an adjunct in the English department.
Albert: Is that why you’re in a suit? Did you come back from a class, being overdressed as you are?
Ernest: If I am occasionally a little overdressed, I make up for it by always being immensely over-educated.
Simone: Your vanity is ridiculous, and your need to reference literature is absurd. [Ernest walks away.]
Albert: Interesting guy.
Simone: Not really, he’s just hot.
Albert: Does he need a fan?
Simone: You’re stupid.
Albert: And you could also use a fan 'cause you’re so hot.
Simone: Stop it, you dumbass. [pause] But you actually think I’m hot?
Albert: Of course, I have had a crush on you since I met you.
Simone: Why haven’t you ever told me?
Albert: I didn’t think so.
Simone: You can spend all of your time thinking about the crap Kant, Hume, Hegel, and fucking Heidegger say, but never think to admit your affection for me.
Albert: Kant refutes that.
Simone: This isn’t the time for puns.
Albert: Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Simone: Dumbass, what if I have a crush on you?
Albert: Do you?
Simone: Yes.
Albert: What do you want to do about it?
Simone: Be done with Ernest.
Albert: I’m sorry.
[Simone grabs Albert’s hand and leads him towards her bedroom.]
Scene: Albert and Simone are in Simone’s bedroom. There are signs they’ve been there for some time.
[Albert and Simone are making out when Ernest barges in with a baseball bat.]
Ernest [pulling Simone off of Albert and proceeds to violently beat Albert with his baseball bat.]:
Fuck you.
[Simone tries to stop Ernest but to no avail as Ernest kills Albert.]
Scene: Simone’s living room. Albert enters, seeing Simone, Ernest, and a few partygoers. Everyone is in casual clothing except for Ernest, who is in a suit.
Simone: Perfect timing
Albert: But I’m a minute late.
Simone: As I said, perfect timing, [Simone grabs Ernest.] Albert, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Ernest.
[Albert and Ernest shake hands.]
Ernest: I know about you; you’re studying philosophy also.
Albert: Yeah, me and Simone have a few classes together. What are you studying? Ernest: I’m not studying; I’m an adjunct in the English department.
Albert: Is that why you’re in a suit? Did you come back from a class being overdressed as you are?
Ernest: If I am occasionally a little overdressed, I make up for it by always being immensely over-educated.
Simone: Your vanity is ridiculous, and your need to reference and callback is absurd.
[Ernest walks away to the partygoers.]
Albert: You don’t like him.
Simone: Of course not, you already know that.
Albert: What do you want to do with that knowledge?
Simone: What do you want to do about it?
Albert: Be done with Ernest.
[Simone grabs Albert’s hand and leads him towards her bedroom.]
Scene: Albert and Simone are in Simone’s bedroom. There are signs they’ve been there for some time.
[Albert and Simone are making out when Ernest barges in with a baseball bat.] Ernest: Fuck you.
[Albert pushes Simone off of himself and proceeds to dodge baseball bat swings from Ernest aimed at him. Albert runs out of the room, and Ernest chases after him.]
Scene: Camus knocks at Simone’s door, and Simone lets him into the remnants of an empty party hesitantly.
Camus: It appears I am late.
Simone: No, you got perfect timing.
Camus: Where is Albert?
Simone: I don’t know.
Camus: Is he okay?
Simone: I don’t know.
Camus: What do you know?
Simone: I’m scared of Ernest and scared for Albert.
ACT III: The Damsel In Distress
Scene: Albert is running down a suburban road while Ernest chases him, holding his baseball bat.
[Albert, running from the baseball-wielding Ernest, attempts to make a phone call but trips and busts his skull.]
[Ernest goes to Albert’s corpse and beats it beyond death. Ernest squats over Albert, placing his mouth beside Albert’s deaf ear.]
Ernest: [whispering] Now, listen, I’m not mad; in fact, I’ve never felt so lucid. What happened to me is quite simple; I suddenly felt a desire for the impossible. That’s all. Things as they are, in my opinion, are far from satisfactory.
Scene: Albert is running down a suburban road while Ernest chases him, holding his baseball bat.
[Albert, while running, drops his phone but keeps going to keep pace ahead of Ernest. Albert is able to hop a fence and hide from Ernest.]
[Albert can rest…Then, ex nihilo Ernest appears to suddenly and violently kill Albert with his baseball bat. Ernest squats over Albert, placing his mouth beside Albert’s deaf ear.]
Ernest [whispering]: A sort of drowsiness steals on you, tickles you behind the ears, you feel your eyes closed, but why sleep?
Scene: Camus knocks at Simone’s door, and Simone lets him into the remnants of an empty party hesitantly.
Camus: It appears the party is over.
Simone: No, it has just begun.
Camus: Are you flirting with me?
Simone: You wish.
Camus: Well, since that is not the case, where is Albert?
Simone: Really good friend you are?
Camus: I do my worst.
Simone [grabbing a large kitchen knife and storms out her door, leaving Camus behind.]: Instead of asking questions, why don’t you go look for him? No, why don’t I look for him instead of being some hopeless object?
Camus: Party of one, I guess.
Scene: Albert is running down a suburban road while Ernest chases him, holding his baseball bat.
Albert: [Albert abruptly stops and yells.] Wait! Wait! Wait!
Ernest: [Ernest stops running.] Just me and you, Blanche.
Albert: I think you’ve lost touch with reality.
Ernest: I know you’ve touched my girlfriend.
Albert: I’m not denying that, but I am not cheating on you, What are you chasing me down for? I mean, you shouldn’t be chasing down anybody. But I am not the issue with your relationship; I had no promises to keep. All I did was fulfill our desires.
Ernest: Did you forget something? [pause] I have done nothing to anyone. [deep breath] And you fuck my girlfriend knowing she was my girlfriend, could you not have had an ounce of patience and waited till we broke up!
Albert: My actions aren’t perfect, but they don’t justify this reaction.
Ernest: You see, under the Napoleonic code, a man has to take an interest in his girlfriend’s affairs. [pause] I want my girl to come down with me! And certainly not with you.
[Ernest lunges toward Albert and proceeds to beat Albert to death with his baseball bat.]
ACT IV: Liberation Theology
Scene: Ernest stands over Albert, ready to whack him with a baseball bat. Then, out of the blue, Simone appears and stabs Ernest repeatedly with her kitchen knife to the point of death.
Simone [pulling Albert up from the ground.]: Albert, I am so glad you are okay.
Albert: [in utter shock] What the fuck? What the fuck was that?
Simone: Don’t you see we can be together, now? Our obstacle has been overcome; Sisyphus has finally pushed his boulder over the hill.
Albert: Self-defense?
Simone [grabbing Albert and kissing him.]: Don’t give yourself so much credit.
SCENE: Ernest stands over Albert, ready to whack him with a baseball bat. Then, out of the blue, Simone appears and stabs Ernest repeatedly to the point of death. Simone then saunters over to Albert.
Simone: You did nothing to defend me. I had to defend you, and you pushed me aside only to defend yourself.
Ernest: I don’t remember what happened; it all happened so fast. I have multiple versions playing out.
Simone [using her kitchen knife to stab and kill Ernest.]: Maybe I’ll see you during the next universal dawn.
THE RECURRING END